What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
09.06.2025 04:18
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
It was going to be , some day.
How are you spending your best time?
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
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I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
I will be 64.
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And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
Comes on , in middle age.
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She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I couldn’t, believe it.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
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They are buried together, in the same grave..
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
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She loved him until the end.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
I was very sick at this time too.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
She wouldn,t have been !
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I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
What did i know ?
Why do I feel sleepy after massage?
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
So, i spoilt her more .
Especially a lifetime of it.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
On the 31st of Jan this month .
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
All the time i was locked up.
But it wasn’t much.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
(And it was in our own minds.)
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Put me off passion for life!!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I was seconnd youngest,
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
But ive been too sick for many years..
He was dying to do it , i knew.
Would this be the day?
I don,t even have a pension.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
One cannot live in the past .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
But, we were locked up after school.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
I have no regrets .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
So whats the point in blame.
We were not on the streets..
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
I was 9 years of age.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
This is soul school!.
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
And i lived it daily.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
She was in good health!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
She married twice! .
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
She found it foreign!.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I think the readers, may guess!
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I could never make a relationship work though!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I said to her
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
My life is so biszare .
Im still living with it.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Ive learnt so much.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I did it because my mum asked me too!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I never cut or harmed myself..
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Was to survive, this bastard.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
He knew the spot.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
Why did i forgive my father ?
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
I write beautiful poetry .
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
As i do to all so called friends.?
I waited trembling.
We all went to grammer schools
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
My family never makes their pension either.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
When she asked me how she looked .
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I was scared of men, in general
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Who then, do I blame.?
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
This is how, and why children get BPD.